pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Möther may I have a snäck
Good point.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.