[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.