“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside