Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The days of good grammer has went
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.