[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.