The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Help Wanted
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6