Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
You Might Also Like
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
*limbos under the caution tape
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going