academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Found the job I’m suited for
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.