If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
You Might Also Like
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child