if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”