“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
LOOOOOOL
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.