COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
So that’s what we looked like?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.