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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I am HOWLING at this
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?