At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Bit chilly again tonight.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.