Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Florida be like…
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: