anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
You Might Also Like
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help