Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
it’s finally my moment to shine
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.