I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Come back with a warrant
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store