{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Herpes is trending, good job people
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I have a new favorite meme page
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.