If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”