“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Thank you corporation very cool
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry