Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Namaste
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
How is it still this week?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.