If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.