If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Bruh PLEASE
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.