Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?