Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed