Finally!
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.