*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka