Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam