This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You Might Also Like
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.