My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
This is my emotional support knife.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
still the best tweet of the year by far