me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.