Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
You Might Also Like
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.