Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.