I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
thanksgiving in nutshell
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
mentally somewhere in italy
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.