commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
multitasking lunch
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.