Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
concern
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready