The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?