Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions