me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
classic mixup
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle