When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
m’lady
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”