[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*