Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
christening a ship with an overripe banana
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?