My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
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#Caturday
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Not today
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues