I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
You Might Also Like
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*weighs self after shaving