Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.