found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Expect the unexporcupine.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.