I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that