I have never heard an armadillo before.
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.