Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
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Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…